How to Stand Up for Yourself: 8 Practical Assertiveness Techniques

Standing up for yourself is the ability to communicate how you feel and what you need in a calm, open style — without aggression and without staying silent. Psychologists call this assertiveness, and it is one of the most important communication skills you can develop for your mental health, your relationships, and your self-esteem.

Many people find standing up for themselves extremely difficult. You might avoid confrontation, worry about upsetting others, or feel guilty the moment you express a need. These responses are common, and they usually have roots in early life experiences rather than any personal failing.

The good news is that assertiveness is a learnable skill — not a fixed personality trait. In this guide, our clinical psychologists at Select Psychology explain why self-assertion can feel so hard, what happens when you stay passive, and eight practical techniques you can start using today.

What Does It Mean to Stand Up for Yourself?

Learning how to stand up for yourself is another way of saying you are learning to be more assertive. Assertiveness is the ability to clearly communicate how you feel and what you need in a calm open style. It is needed in all areas of life from work situations, relationships with friends and family, to buying something in the supermarket. Assertiveness is the middle ground of communication between a passive style of relating and an aggressive style of relating.

If you struggle to ‘stand up for’ and assert yourself you can easily be taken advantage of, and end up having too much responsibility for work tasks or family commitments as people become more likely to pile things on you.

Although feeling unable to assert yourself may at times leave you feeling powerless, it is helpful to remember that effective communication is a skill which can be learnt like riding a bike or playing an instrument. If you pay attention to the way you feel when relating to others and make a commitment to try and change the way you approach situations, in time you can learn to be more assertive and learn how to stand up for yourself.

Why Is It So Hard to Stand Up for Yourself?

Regardless of your personality, standing up for yourself should be instinctual, to some degree. However, if you really struggle to do this, the reason for it may stem from your experiences as a child – typically, it happens to those who have learned to suppress their needs because they felt that they weren’t as important as those around them. 

If your parents were strict, they might have tended to punish, ignore or abandon you when you tried to express your feelings or needs. This may have led you to suppress your thoughts or needs. 

Alternatively, if your parents were not aware of your needs, you may have come to the conclusion that your needs weren’t ‘worthy’. If your parents were overly reliant on you, you might have also felt the need to suppress your thoughts or needs in order to protect their feelings. 

Often, getting to the bottom of these issues will require deep reflection. Going to a psychologist can assist you in understanding what has influenced your self-esteem and ability to stand up for yourself. If you’re unsure whether professional support could help, our guide on recognising the signs you may benefit from therapy is a good starting point.

Whatever the case may be, know that you are not at fault and it is possible for you to become more assertive and improve your self-esteem. It’s also important to remember that standing up for yourself will not necessarily cause conflict – but is extremely important for anyone to take in making their needs heard and setting boundaries. 

Why Do I Cry When I Try to Stand Up for Myself?

Crying during confrontation is extremely common and does not mean you are weak. When you attempt to assert yourself after years of suppressing your feelings, your nervous system can become overwhelmed. The emotional release — tears, a shaky voice, a tight throat — is your body processing the tension between what you need to say and the fear of the consequences.

With practice, this response reduces. Cognitive behavioural therapy can help you manage the physical anxiety response while building confidence in difficult conversations.

Why Do I Feel Guilty After Standing Up for Myself?

Guilt after asserting yourself is one of the most commonly reported barriers. It typically happens because your brain has been wired to associate self-expression with conflict, and conflict with danger. When you finally say no or set a boundary, the guilt floods in — not because you did something wrong, but because the action conflicts with deeply held beliefs about being “nice” or “keeping everyone happy.”

This guilt is a learned response, not a reflection of reality. A psychologist can help you identify these automatic thought patterns and gradually replace them with healthier beliefs about your right to have needs.

8 Practical Ways to Stand Up for Yourself

At first, standing up for yourself may seem extremely daunting; however, over time, you will start to feel less anxious or nervous. As they say, practice makes perfect. 

1. Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them

Setting and communicating healthy boundaries is an essential part of any relationship – it lets the person know where the line in the sand is. People don’t always mean to overstep; they often just aren’t aware of what the boundaries are. Once you’ve told someone what you will and will not tolerate, it’s important to stick to your guns and not allow them to walk all over you.

2. Learn to Say No Without Over-Explaining

This may seem like a small step. But saying ‘no’ to things you do not want to do or are uncomfortable with is an act of bravery. It’s also an easy way to set a healthy boundary with others. Saying no, can be difficult because you may be concerned about upsetting people. There are ways of saying ‘no’ that can still be polite and respectful to other people and you can tailor these to different situations. Such as, ‘I would love to help, but I’m fully committed’ or ‘Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t do that’. 

3. Recognise When You’re Giving Too Much

Whether it’s at work, home or in your relationships, it’s important to realise when you are giving too much of your energy and time to others and leaving yourself feeling depleted.

Take the time to reflect on situations where you have felt angry or resentful because you have had to put someone else’s feelings and needs before your own. Understanding the stages of anger and how it builds can help you recognise these patterns earlier. Once you have become aware, it’ll be easier to start setting boundaries.

4. Push Through the Guilt — It’s Normal

When you’re not accustomed to standing up for yourself, you’ll likely feel guilty for stating your needs when you do start to be more assertive. That’s not a bad thing, but do not let the guilt take over. Simply acknowledge the feeling, put it aside and push through. After some time, the feeling will subside until you no longer feel guilty at all.

5. Know When to Walk Away

When you stand up for yourself, you may be met with resistance. Sometimes, the person you’re talking to may not really be interested in listening to what you have to say. This can create a toxic atmosphere, and trying to discuss the issues you have at that time will likely lead nowhere. 

In situations like these, it’s important to know that you can take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. Remember that doing this does not mean that you’re conceding, but rather that you’re removing yourself from a toxic situation and looking after your own well-being. 

6. Be Conscious of Your Body Language

We all know the importance of body language – it can often be a dead giveaway as to how someone is really feeling. When standing up for yourself, you need to come across as confident, as this will help you remain more assertive. Be sure to stand up straight, maintain eye contact and speak clearly and calmly – this will show the person that you mean business.

7. Using Your Tone of Voice

Much of the impact of verbal communication is in how we say things not what we actually say. When trying to assert yourself speak slowly and clearly allowing yourself pauses and time to take a breath. Try to vary the pitch of your voice to maintain interest and emphasise any key points. However try to avoid becoming very high pitched as you will end up feeling flustered and the person you are speaking to will have less of a chance to take on board what you are saying. As part of your work to improve your assertiveness skills, try practicing changing the tone of your voice at times when you are alone, it is striking how much tone can change how you are conveying a message.

8. Learning How to Handle Interruptions

If you find that you are frequently interrupted, or there is one particular person who always does this to you. The next time this happens wait for the person to finish what they are saying when they interrupted you. Calmly and politely say something like “Just a minute please, I hadn’t finished what I was saying” or “thank you for that I understand, but to go back to what I was saying as I hadn’t finished” This is truly assertive as you are acknowledging the other persons point, but not allowing your own to be dismissed.

What Happens When You Don’t Stand Up for Yourself?

Staying passive might feel safer in the moment, but the long-term consequences affect both your mental health and your relationships. Resentment builds gradually — when you repeatedly swallow your feelings, frustration accumulates and eventually leaks out as snapping at someone over something minor, withdrawing from people you care about, or experiencing unexplained irritability and low mood.

Self-esteem erodes too. Each time you allow a boundary to be crossed without speaking up, you send yourself the message that your needs do not matter. Over time, this can contribute to depression and a persistent sense of powerlessness.

Relationships become unbalanced when one person gives too much and the other takes too much. Without assertiveness, people around you may not realise they are overstepping because you have never told them where the line is.

How to Stand Up for Yourself at Work

The workplace is one of the most common settings where assertiveness is needed and where it feels hardest. Power dynamics, fear of consequences, and professional norms can all make it difficult to speak up.

Practical approaches include using “I” statements rather than accusations (“I feel overlooked when my ideas aren’t credited” rather than “You always steal my ideas”), putting boundaries in writing where possible, and preparing what you want to say before a difficult conversation rather than relying on the moment. If workplace pressure is becoming overwhelming, understanding the different types of stress and when to seek help can be a useful first step.

If workplace conflict is causing you persistent stress or anxiety, professional support from a therapist can help you develop strategies specific to your situation.

How to Stand Up for Yourself in a Relationship

Standing up for yourself in a romantic relationship can feel especially risky because the stakes feel higher — you fear losing the connection. But a healthy relationship requires both people to express their needs openly.

Start by naming the behaviour rather than attacking the person: “When you make plans without asking me, I feel unimportant” rather than “You never consider me.” Choose a calm moment to raise concerns rather than waiting until emotions are running high. And remember that your partner may not realise they are overstepping — giving them the chance to adjust is part of healthy communication.

If you find that every attempt to assert yourself is met with anger, dismissal, or guilt-tripping, that pattern may point to something deeper that relationship therapy can help address.

Get Support With Assertiveness

If you struggle with assertiveness and it is affecting your daily life, your relationships, or your confidence, our HCPC-registered clinical psychologists at Select Psychology can help. We use evidence-based approaches including CBT and EMDR to help you understand the patterns that keep you stuck and build lasting change. Sessions are available face-to-face in Tynemouth, Newcastle, and Durham or online.

Request a Call Back Today.